Holiday Tips and Humor

Every holiday I enjoy attending the Mary Ann Brandt Chritmas Show- it has become a holiday tradition. This year she had posting some holiday tips on her web site (www.maryannbrandt.com) . I wanted you to have these before the holidays officially begin.
For your reference- Mary Ann is a very rich elite socialite and only has the most expensive taste.

Holiday Party Do's and Dont's-


Chips — there is no place for any chip-type-thing in upper middle class/high society. This includes Potato Chips, Combos, Sun Chips and especially Doritos.


BYOB — “Bring your own beer/bottle” is for those on public assistance or 20-year-old college students whose parents aren’t multi-millionaires. To ask a guest to bring anything to a cocktail party, let alone the party, is simply not done. There is a time and place for “bringing your own.” A communal potluck or any event where you are simply providing the space for friends to gather is acceptable for BYOB, but not here.
Acceptable: “Why don’t we just watch the game at Mary Ann’s house”“Sure, come on over -- I’ll make chili!” “Then I’ll bring the beer” “Kewl!”
Unacceptable: “Are you coming to my pre-game party Saturday? Good, just bring a 12-pack or whatever you want to drink”


Television — Keep the TV off, unless you’ve invited friends for “Cocktails and the US Figure Skating Championships”.


Plastic cups — Top-shelf liquor deserves glass. Plastic cups are for those on public assistance or 20-year-old college students whose parents aren’t multi-millionaires.


Cocktail Weenies — those little white trash weenies, smothered in white trash barbecue sauce and baked in your white trash crock pot for hours until they’re tough as shoe leather and impossible to spear with the white trash toothpicks you’ve provided – toothpicks that have been fingered by every nasty white trash guest you’ve invited – even the white trash guests who have been having sex in the broom closet.



AFTER-THE-FAMILY-CHRISTMAS-MELTDOWN

God love ‘em, but a holiday weekend with the family is nerve splitting. After you’ve unloaded the Land Rover and watered the brittle tree, build a fire, put on your nightgown, fill a tall glass with lots of ice (not a cocktail glass, more like a Wendy’s Biggie cup), and fill it to the rim with enough Jack Daniels to wash down a Vicodin.


WRAPPING PRESENTS

I have mine wrapped professionally, but I realize most of you tackle the project with your own tape and scissors. Two bottles of Veuve Cliquot will get you through the evening. Add two bottles for each friend that comes calling. Buy gift bags with pretty tissue, because after the second bottle of Veuve, you’ll want to switch to liquor, and you’ll not want to fiddle with the tape anymore.